After her check is returned by the bank, a woman writes a hilarious complaint letter.

Have you ever been frustrated by an illogical customer service decision made by your bank or another service provider? This disgruntled customer had a check bounce and responded with an angry letter. In addition, the letter is absolutely hilarious!

Mr. Sir,

I’m writing to express my gratitude for bouncing my check, which I attempted to pay my plumber with last month. According to my calculations, three nanoseconds must have passed between his depositing the check and the funds required to honor it arriving in my account. Of course, I’m referring to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement that, admittedly, has only been in place for 31 years. You should be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, as well as for debiting my account $30 as a penalty for causing your bank inconvenience.

My gratitude stems from the fact that this incident has caused me to reconsider my errant financial habits. I’ve noticed that, while I personally answer your phone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I’m met with the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity that your bank has recently evolved into. I, like you, will only deal with flesh-and-blood people from now on. As a result, my mortgage and loan payments will no longer be automatic, but will instead arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. It is an offense under the Postal Act for anyone else to open such an envelope.

Please find an Application Contact Status form attached, which I need your chosen employee to complete. I’m sorry it’s eight pages long, but there’s no other way for me to know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me. Please keep in mind that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory financial details (income, debts, assets, and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will provide your employee with a PIN number, which he or she must use in all future interactions with me. I’m sorry it can’t be any shorter than 28 digits, but I’ve based it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone banking service. Imitation, as they say, is the sincerest form of flattery.

Please allow me to further level the playing field. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options to choose from on my new voice mail system.

Please press the following buttons:

1. To schedule a consultation with me.

2. To inquire about a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in the event that I am present.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in the event that I am sleeping.

6. To forward the call to my cell phone if I am not at home.

7. A password to access my computer is required to leave a message on my computer. The Authorized Contact will communicate the password to you at a later date.

8. To return to the main menu and hear options 1 through 7.

9. To submit a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be placed on hold while my automated answering service attends to it. While there may be a long wait on occasion, uplifting music will play throughout the call.

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